Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

How do you convert grams to millimeters?

Stretch them out until they're long and thin.

What is money used for in Germany?

Bratwurst and lederhosen.

Where is the geezer pyramid located?

Daaan the ol' Thebes road, in the Valley of the Pearly Kings, innit?

How do you write a sentence with the word buffoon in it?

Lord, deliver me from temptation...

What are your legal rights electric power is over chargeing you?

Forget the lawyer, just stop licking the socket.

Is there a chance that your baby's hair can be the same color as your dyed hair?

If you mean 'Can a baby inherit its mother's dyed hair colour?', please hand in your DNA, you don't deserve it.

What is the capital Hounduras?

It's the settlement in a country that houses the government offices, and don't call me Hounduras. © L. Nielsen.

What is the location of russia?

Just north of Uzbekistan. I bet I can guess what your next question is...

Which team of american astronauts first met and connected with a spacecraft?

What kind of astronaut doesn't meet and connect with a spacecraft? Shit astronauts, that's what kind.

How is it possible for a forty year old man to be born in Nineteen Twenty-Three?

Holy crap, it's 1963! Someone warn JFK!

How do you measure a volume amount of soda in one can?

It says it on the side of the can, dumbass.

How does the mind works?

In the case of my brain, billions of neurons dynamically form connections to memorise information, deal with complex concepts, and respond to a wide variety of stimuli. In the case of yours, a bit like an Etch-a-Sketch with a sticky vertical knob.

Can't you see I'm on the 'phone...

What happens when an apple is put in water?

Wet apple.

What is Emergent Incipient Formative phase of Filipino evolution?

I don't know, but it sounds scary.

What is the spiritual message when bugs appear in your house?

Clean your house, hippy.

There is this girl at church you think she is cute and want to get to know her better but every time I go to talk to her she is already in her car any tips for talking to her with out scaring her?

Just press your face up to the car window and stare.

Do girls always like to be ejaculated on?

Yes, except when they're on the telephone or shopping.

Ok your girl friend is 17 and pregnat im 16 do you need your parents signature?

Now's not the time to be worrying about the paperwork.

I am 17 years old and 6'0 tall What will my final height be?

5'4'', after the incident with the chainsaw.

How would you describe the physical appearance of a volcano?

Magma-spitting death triangle.

What is the history of penguins?

Basically the same as that of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, but waddlier.

I want to have oral sex two weeks after an abortion?

Do you? Well, the first thing that you need to do is get pregnant...

Brat Pack vs. Velociraptor

How are hot and cold deserts different?

I'm not sure if you mean deserts or desserts: either way, the issue is mainly one of temperature.

Can you put bleach in dog water to fight bacteria?

I don't know, why don't you check?

How can you talk to a parrot?

Just build up your courage, and remember to be yourself.

What is the name of a 1980s movie that isnt animated with mini dinosaurs?

Tricky one, maybe 'St. Elmo's Fire'. Would've been better with animated mini-dinosaurs though.

How do you take care of guinea piggies?

Woo wov dem wery much.

How many testicles are used?

4.3 billion of them, if you mean human ones. Please don't make me count again.

Why corbin has not sending any lettersback to me I am though writing Lettres to you corbin.you need to call me corbin because Iam your match If you like it or not.?

Lucky Corbin.

When pyramid of light is on the field and there are two Andro Sphinxes when pyramid of light dies do they both die?

I know that this is probably concerning some computer game, or a Magic: The Gathering style card game: but I like to imagine that this a real problem some kid faces on his lawn every night after his parents have gone to sleep.

When will the american legion open its doors to all veterans you were in the service from oct through apri of 519 but cannot join but yet they let others jointhat have never served but are children?

Probably because you're a millenium-and-a-half years old, and look quite scary.

This is a huge body of water and is it called ocaen?

Timmy emerged from the cave where he'd been imprisoned his entire life. He shielded his eyes from the bright, unknown light from above. Unfortunately, all the police and social workers were too busy talking to the press, so they left Timmy with a laptop and told him to figure out the world for himself.

What is the gayest race in the world?

Men's 1500m cock-sucking relay.

Could you play sport on pluto?

Let's find out! You fire up the rocket engines, I'll fetch the swingball...

When was the berlin wall re-opened?

I think it's been fairly open since it was forcibly opened in 1989.

How do you Resolve miscommunication with customer?

Just call them a fuckwit. From experience, they tend to understand that communication only too well.

How do bunnies communicate with eachother?

Solely through the medium of 'Bright Eyes' by Art Garfunkel.

Why are 70 percent of the hotels and motels in the US mow owned by Middle Easterners and are they housing terrorists and illegals aliens?

Because your relentless onanism is making Jesus angry.

How many square feet equals one square?

I'm sorry, this question is totally blowing my mind.

What could cause a knot on left side of your neck?

Hanging.

Why don't Australia have the death penalty?

I'll make a deal with you: you learn to conjugate verbs, and I'll let you have the death penalty. Deal? I thought not.

Will a felony show up on a criminal history check?

I certainly hope so, or else there's not much point in having them at all.

The world's greatest economist.

In our yard we found partly decomposed 6 inch fish skeleton which had probably been passed through another creature with manure and bark attached to it - live on a lake in N Ont?

Listen, you can't just run off to a lake in North Ontario every time you find a fish skeleton in the garden.

Sentence with ending o?

You just answered your own question.

Why was world war two a good thing for hitler?

He got to see lots of new and interesting places, and met a nice lady called Eva.

Organisations in the world and year of establishment?

In no particular order:

The National Canine Defence League: 1891
The Official Loch Ness Monster Fan Club: 2001
Procrastinators' Club of America: 1956
...
You don't have to be anywhere any time soon, do you?

Why not put a cap on oil prices?

Bravo! Who thought the answer to high oil prices would be so simple. All the world's economists, hang your heads in shame.

Why aren't you sideways at the equator?

It took me a little while to figure out what this question meant; once I did, I became more concerned that the wikitard was more worried about being sideways at the equator, than about all those poor Aussies clinging on for dear life.

Who was the first black person ever born?

Zephaniah Jackson, of Savannah, Georgia. Born on 12th May 1876, he gave his parents the fright of their lives.

What is the exact average weight of an 11 year old girl?

Determining the exact average weight of eleven-year-old girls is tricky; to be exact, one must measure the weight of all eleven-year-old girls simultaneously, and they are skittish creatures.
Unless you mean the exact average weight of a particular eleven-year-old girl, in which case you just pop her on a set of electronic scales on her elventh birthday, and take regular readings until her twelfth.

What australian mammal can jump higher than a building?

All of them. Unless you mean a regular sized building: then none of them.

How do you scare moles away?

How are you not scaring moles away?

Is it bad to run your cat without a Catylic converter?

I hope you're joking.

What is the smallest fish in biology?

Photocorynus spiniceps, although the smallest fish in Astronomy is Kepler's Guppy.

Sad dog :-(

What is the dosage of xanax for a 43 pound dog?

None. Seriously, none. If your dog is depressed or suffering panic attacks, throw it a fucking frisbee.

Your hamster is very tired doesn't eat much or drink sleeps all the time and hasn't pooped you are so worried about her?

Am I? 'Cause I thought I couldn't give a rat's arse.

What do you call the bowl you use in a party?

A party bowl, dude.

Why does fresh bat guano stink so bad?

I think that the real question is 'why are you sniffing bat shit?'

Can Dragons really Breathe Fire?

Once again, you're not really asking the right question...

How do you clean vomit off a mattress?

You're a real go-getter, aren't you. I can just tell.

The capital of somania?

Buchadishu. Next!

Why am I 10 years old and use 5 rolls of toilet paper a day if I don't even end up pooping?

Are you dressing up as a mummy? Then I give up.

Why is there a start at the beginning of a serial number on a one dollar bill?

I know! And that end at the ending: I mean, what is up with that?

What jobs can diabetics do?

Sugar-taster? No, wait: King of the Chocolate Kingdom. Argh. Forget it, there's nothing.

Anus numbing lube?

No thanks, I'm good.

Does every Internet site you have visited show up on your Credit card bill?

Yes, and every thought you've ever had is going to be on your bank statement, you dirty boy.

How can you grow your cheeks?

I know. I'm not going to tell you though, you thin-cheeked bastard. Will that anus numbing lube work on my brain?

What protective clothing has to be worn when feeding people in care homes?

Full kevlar body armour. I found that out the hard way.

Denver has a 2 inch penis?

No, you're thinking of Mile High Stadium.

What is the Black Death things that can happen to you while you've go the?

Well, they say your grammar is the first to go, followed by a painful swelling of the lymph nodes...

How did prehistoric humans obtain their vitamin d?

Well, they had lots of sun in prehistoric times, you're probably thinking of the Dark Ages. Half a millenia of people wandering around in the dark, being ignorant. You would've loved it.

Why is the pressure in the left ventricle only 10 mm hg during diastole?

Sir, you are, without doubt, the worst doctor in the world. I can see it now, two hours in to open-heart surgery: "Hang on, I just need to nip out and check something...".

How can you get decease from kissing?

Forget to breathe.

Can a tennis ball be flushed down a toilet?

I can see you've got another productive afternoon in front of you.

Which experiences a greater change of momentum an egg that splatters on your face or an egg that you catch with your hands why?

I'm sorry, but some of these things require extensive in-the-field testing. Off you go!

Vanessa hugdens were do you lives?

I'm here, Heathcliff! Let me in! I've been a waif these twenty years, open the window!